It's Shilyn Joy!

christinamwelch:

It’s crazy how much someone can consume your mind. It’s like an ocean; never-ending.

My brain is crowded with too many thoughts and most of them are bad. I understand now, not being able to turn it off. I think when I dream, and my mind wanders everywhere, going a million miles an hour.

I hate being this person. This weak, on the verge of tears person. I try to take a deep breath each time and think of things that make me happy. Things like the water and the sand and the sky. The feeling of the breeze as it hits my skin, warm from the sun. I love that.

But when things go wrong, it all goes wrong - like they say, when it rains, it pours. Now I’m standing in the downpour, no umbrella, just letting it happen. Then the hurt soaks in. It seeps through my clothes and chills my skin. Then, the tears. I hate them. I hate how I’ve been betrayed by my own stupidity.

I’m told it’s about going with the flow, just like the currents in the ocean. Historically, I’m not particularly good at that.

I catch myself staring off into the distance, where the clouds split and the sun peeks through. The thoughts slow and subside, if only momentarily.

I’ll be here…

I don’t care who reads this anymore, I’m on my regular account instead of my venting account.

For the past couple weeks, I’ve been trying to find myself, find a way to be a better me, not for anyone, but for me. I did not try to do anything about that for a while because I was scared. Scared of failing, scared of facing the truth, scared of doing it wrong… as in for the wrong reasons.

The past few days, I found something. I find a book about facing your demons. I was reluctant on it, thinking it was another self help piece of crap or another religious book that would pass through my head.

But something stuck. My demons, my walls, they were: doubt, insecurities, and being scared. These are what I hid behind, or even tried to hide themselves.

It’s been exposed to someone that I hold very dear to my heart. Someone who, because of my doubt, because of my insecurities, because of me, now does not think I love him, trust him, have faith in the relationship.

I don’t blame him. All I have is to blame myself… All I have is to hope and pray that one day, I will be able to bring myself to him and let him know just how much he’s helped me, just how much I appreciate him, just how much sorrow I feel for all the pain I’ve inflicted. Because for all the pain I’ve inflicted on him, I’ve broken him down. Something I never wanted, something I never in my life wished to see…

Now I’m watching him go through my demons, deal with me, and my torture, as well as his own. Now I’m left seeing just how awful I am as a person, who’s supposed to be there for him, who has promised and held him saying I love him, I care, I’ll be here.

I am not the person I want to be. I am not the person he fell in love with. I am someone who let her walls seclude her, I am someone who let her emotions destroy her, I am lost.

I cannot ask anyone to help me. I cannot ask him to trust in me. All I can ask is for forgiveness. All I can ask is to be able to show myself and the world that I will get through this. How long will it take, I won’t know. How hard it will be, probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to face. After all, I have to face myself. Something I have never done. Something I must do.

I’m sorry.
I love you.
I care.
I do.
I’m sorry.

I do not want chocolate. What is wrong with me?!